NBA Hotline Bling: Enes Kanter punches in the numbers

We’ve reviewed the footage of the incident where you broke your arm punching a folding chair, and frankly, we are baffled by your request to assess a flagrant foul to the chair. You initiated the contact! The chair was outside the restricted area, but it was also out of bounds completely.

It’s called a folding chair, and it folded. You can’t be surprised if a rocking chair rocks onto your leg, or if a wheelchair’s wheels run over your foot, or if Kyle Singler doesn’t have a girlfriend. It’s right in the name, Enes!

We hope you spend the next six-to-eight weeks thinking about controlling your temper, and who you’re really mad at. I think he might wear #35 and his name might rhyme with “Eleven Newpants.”

Concernedly yours, NBA Referee Hotline

Re: Charles Barkley vs. LeBron James

Dear Sir Charles,

We received your message about LeBron’s postgame comments, but it was very difficult to understand due to all the mumbling and sobbing.  Here was our best attempt at a transcription:

“Listen Ernie, let me tell you, LeBron James needs to… I mean, he’s a great player and I… Look, I paid that casino back and… Listen... This younger generation needs to… Alabama... Kenny. Come on, Kenny. I just… Listen. Listen. Listen. Turrible. Turrible.” And then you just trailed off. It sounded like you may have been calling from a strip club?

Chuck, we sympathize. LeBron dunked on you like Vince Carter playing France in the Olympics. You got dragged like Jeff Van Gundy trying to break up a brawl. King James called you out like you were David Ortiz trying to steal third base. Honestly, we haven’t seen this kind of beatdown since Kermit Washington slugged Rudy Tomjanovich.

We’re not sure how this hotline can help you, but we hope you feel better. Also, we apologize for missing your call. For some reason, whenever you call our phone, there’s no ring.

Roundmondedly yours, NBA Referee Hotline

Re: Mike Conley & the Portland Trail Blazers

Dear Mr. Conley,

After reviewing the game footage, we agree that you should have drawn a foul at the end of your game against the Trail Blazers. Vince Carter called to say he had never see a call blown that bad and he’s forty. While we think your statement, “Even when I fractured my eye socket I wasn’t that blind,” was unduly harsh, we do apologize for the mistake.

Also, you’re never going to make an All-Star team, and we apologize for that as well. We hope that being the highest-paid player in NBA history is some consolation. Please send Derek Harper and Byron Scott our regards.

Grittingly & Grindedly yours, NBA Referee Hotline

Re: Joel Embiid and All-Star Voting

Dear Mr. Embiid,

We received your comments about your All-Star selection snub and wanted to comment. Yes, you did win the fan vote, but the system doesn’t just reward the most popular candidate. In America, someone can lose by millions and millions of votes and still be declared the rightful leader. That’s how our Founding Fathers wanted the All-Star game to go, regardless of how much it might disenfranchise fans in large cities and urban areas. You can protest all you want, but we’re not even going to defend this ruling: This is the All-Star Game. No one defends.

We are very sorry that your date with Rihanna has to be cancelled, after you made reservations and everything, but we have good news! Drake is going to have dinner with you! Whether you want him to or not. He’s probably in the lobby of your hotel right now.

I hope this does not destroy your trust in the All-Star process. Enclosed is a gift certificate for one (1) free Shirley Temple, good at any participating Wawa.

Trustingly yours, NBA Referee Hotline

Re: Austin Rivers and the New York Knicks

Dear Mr. Rivers,

Apologies if we misunderstood your message - it was hard to hear over "Cats in the Cradle" blasting on your stereo.

In response to your question, there's no such thing as "reverse nepotism,"and NBA rules do permit a father to trade his son. Do what your dad says, Austin! He gave you a $35 million allowance. That means, if he tells you to go to New York, you go to New York! It doesn't mean he doesn't love you. It only means he loves Carmelo Anthony a little bit more.

By the way, you should check out the original version of "Cats in the Cradle" - the Ugly Kid Joe song you're listening to is a cover.

Regards, NBA Referee Hotline